May is National Foster Care Month. Perhaps the most common reaction to people finding out we grew our family through foster care and adoption is, “I could never do that. I could never let those kids go.”
That may be true, but maybe it’s not.
Contrary to popular belief, you don’t have to be a saint to be a foster parent. Trust me, we are not. You have to be able to provide stability and unconditional love. While I think the word “orphan” is often misused in church circles, I do think the verse from James 1:27 applies, “Religion that God our Father accepts as pure and faultless is this: to look after orphans and widows in their distress and to keep oneself from being polluted by the world.” In the verses prior to this James is reminding the Church to not “merely listen to the word, and so deceive yourselves. Do what it says.” (1:22)
We don’t need a big fancy campaign or website to draw people into care for the children and families. We’ve already been instructed to do so.
God’s love for children cannot just be thrown to the forefront when abortion or other hot topics are discussed. His love also applies to kids already here. This applies to the 12 year old girl who is willing to do whatever she’s asked if you’ll keep loving her. It applies to siblings who’ve been separated, reunited and separated again-disconnecting their bond and sense of security. It applies to the 16 year old boy in an institution, not because he is a criminal, but because no one is willing to open their home. It applies to the “too fragile”, “too angry” and “too far gone”.
I do not believe that everyone is meant to be a foster or adoptive parent. I do believe everyone can do something to help. I’ll detail multiple ways to do this towards the end, but here’s one example (out of many) that demonstrates how it looked for us.
Two of our boys recently had come back into care. We had three toddlers under three. One would begin a 30 minute inconsolable melt down if I left the room for more than 15 seconds and another had a limited vocabulary. Our friend, also named Molly, offered to come over and make dinner. Kerry was at grad school most evenings and any offers to help with meal times was a relief. She showed up with ingredients to make one of her dishes. She cooked while I wrangled and consoled the boys.
The youngest was screaming in my arms and another sweet boy was wrapped around my leg. Having someone else in the house was comforting. She rummaged her way through our small kitchen to find everything she needed.
Molly was there for about an hour. This was 9 years ago. She simply remembers this as cooking dinner, but it’s an act of kindness I’ll never forget.
How did we end up here
When I was 16, I was informed I’d mostly likely not conceive children. I was a junior in high school. My first time at the gynecologist looked like a lot of testing and ended with that news. The doctor’s exact words, to my 16 year old self, were, “You could probably have all the unprotected sex you want and not get pregnant.” Reader, friend, take a breath. She was not in any way encouraging that. She was trying to make a point and possibly give my mother a jail sentence at the same time. Moving on.
You might be thinking there'd be devastation and confusion after this, but there wasn't. Not because I didn't want to be a mom, but because I had decided way before the age of 16 that I would someday adopt. My mom worked at a juvenile detention center while I was growing up. Some kids were there, not because they committed a crime, but their home was unsafe and no other homes were available. Not all children were able to go back home. So in my mind, adoption made sense.
In college I started dating Kerry. He is someone who was made to be a dad. After two months of dating I was confident we were going to get married. I addressed the kid stuff like ripping off a bandaid. I told him about my PCOS, what the doctor said and that most likely if he wanted a biological child, we should break up. I wasn’t strongly desiring to conceive kids regardless. But my husband is who he is and simply said, “I want to be a dad. It doesn’t matter how.”
About four years later, we did try fertility treatments. It was never something we felt totally comfortable with, but we had baby fever. He picked up a job on the weekends to pay for medicine. I went to the doctor several times a week and became a pin cushion. My body had an extreme reaction to the treatments and the doctors were no longer comfortable treating me. We were presented with more aggressive but safer measures and declined to continue.
*I want to be clear, fertility treatments are a great option for those who choose to use them. There is no judgement whatsoever from this side of the screen. While my own journey was brief and hard, I am not minimizing the heartbreak women and men go through when experiencing infertility. I know that it is gut-wrenching and oftentimes a surprise. *
But now what? After a lot of research and meeting with different adoptive parents, we decided to foster. We sat through the first training session and almost didn’t return after lunch. But we did. Week after week. The more we went the more God assured us we were in the right place. We figured we could provide a stable and loving home for kids while their parents could work on providing the environment they needed. Whoever left would leave and whoever stayed, would stay.
We’d serve our community while waiting to build our family. The rest is history.
Discomfort vs necessity
The pain of children leaving your home is extreme. Be that as it may, the need for homes is even more extreme. There are over 400,000 children in the foster care system nationwide. For a visual, something I love to share, are these children could fill the five largest NFL stadiums to capacity. Five. Largest.
I often wonder what it would be like if the Church hijacked the foster care system. Not only by providing more than enough foster homes, but were so involved in their communities that families had enough support to eliminate the reasons children enter care in the first place. Oftentimes, neglect and abuse are generational, as is addiction.
Do you ever stop to imagine what it would be like if we broke generational trauma within the family unit, as a family unit, instead of families being separated for that to happen?
There is a lot of discomfort in being a foster parent. The phone may ring at 10 am asking you to pick up a child(ren) at 12:30 pm. It means adjusting your whole life on a dime. There’s usually discomfort in the first (and maybe many) interactions with their birth family during visitation or case reviews. You might be peppered with questions by people you think have no business questioning you. Parents who have their children removed do love their kids and yes, they can be legitimately concerned about you, the complete stranger, becoming the main caregiver for their child. We’ve been there. More than once.
The discomfort and disorganization foster care causes in your life is tough. I think being a child and family with an uncertain future is even tougher.
Every year, more than 20,000 youth age out of the US Foster Care System. The age in which children leave the system depends on the state they live in. I’m using the word “children” on purpose. You are probably picturing teenagers, that’s about right. But do we ever stop to think about how much more brain development teenagers will go through before their brain is considered fully developed? Years. Not until they are in their 20’s. Think about how much you still relied on your parents even after turning 18. No one it all figured out or have the financial means to be totally independent and wise.
There’s no switch that instantly flips you from adolescence to autonomous adult.
Behind every number is A human
For Youth Aging Out of Foster Care (National Foster Youth institute):
After turning 18, 20% will instantly become homeless
About 25% will not graduate high school or complete their GED
Less than 3% will go on to complete a college degree at any point in their life even though 70% wish to do so.
1/3 girls will become pregnant before the age of 21
When it comes to addiction, 50% will develop a substance abuse disorder.
Children diagnosed with any kind of disability, including learning disabilities, are twice as likely to age out of the system
Let’s Talk Local:
There are over 16,000 kids in the foster care system in Ohio (Ohio CASA)
Lucas County has just over 300 foster homes, but they need at least 100 more
1,000 kids age out of the system each year, in Ohio (CDFohio.org)
100% of kids who enter care are there because of abuse and neglect (Research by the Dave Thomas foundation showed that 46% of Americans believed foster youth to all be in the system due to delinquency)
40% of youth in foster care in Ohio leave high school without a diploma or GED equivalent (worse than the national average) (US Office of the Administration of Children and Families)
What YOU CAN do:
Stop and think about whether or not you could actually be a foster or adoptive parent
Consider becoming a respite or emergency caregiver
Donate to local agencies or organizations that are doing the work
Consider becoming a CASA- Court Appointed Special Advocate
Start meal trains or drop off meals to foster families you know, especially when they receive a new child in their home or a child leaves
Send notes of encouragement to foster families you know
*If you don’t know of anyone, ask your pastor or ask if your friends have friends who are a part of this community
Send notes of encouragement to caseworkers
Participate or lead drives for agencies
Find and donate to local foster/adoptive support groups
Let’s talk about it. What questions do you have?
standing with hope 
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