standing with hope

By Kristina Jones

This is for anyone who has doubted the power or existence of God or has felt abandoned by him because of all the awful things that have happened to you or our world. Or because of reason or science, religious abuse, even overwhelmingly cheesy Christian talk or the rejection by so-called Christ followers. Believe me, I have wrestled with those thoughts as well. I know it can seem far fetched to believe in a divine being. Or a loving, personal God and I don’t claim to have all the answers. However, I would like to share pieces of my story-how he has proven himself to me as the personal lover of my soul and has won me over. Even though I resisted his pursuit of me at first, I have been introduced to the most safe, solid, loving, listening, faithful father-in the God of the Bible.

This year, my faith in him has become more secure through deep, unimaginable suffering-the sudden loss of my husband. I did not know how deep that love could go, how securely he could hold me until my world fell apart. An image keeps coming to mind as I face these impossibly hard waves of grief:

I was sitting on the shore of Lake Michigan a few years ago on a family vacation, and a sweet little family caught my attention. A mom, dad and a little baby girl, maybe close to one year old. The mom was just adoring the baby, smiling, taking selfies with her. Then the dad put her on his hip as he walked into the water. The waves that day were rolling in such a way that my older boys were enjoying body boarding, the strength of the current carrying them to shore. As the dad held the little girl and walked further from the shore, I could tell the baby was nervous about the waves coming as she clung to him. I saw the dad hold her, pointing to the waves and talking to her and smiling as if to reassure her she was being held, to not be afraid, he’s got his baby. Those waves were not going to take her under. I sensed the Holy Spirit speaking to me about what I had seen. That’s the heart of the trinity, the heart of the relational father. He adores you. He’s got you. He’s not letting go. As you face the waves of life, he holds you even tighter, keeping you from being swept away.

Growing up, I did not have a dad who was consistently in my life due to his ongoing addiction issues and my parents separation. His problems made him unpredictable and unsafe for our family. He was the nicest, funniest guy when he was sober. Drinking too much, on the other hand, created a monster. A dad who could be scary, unpredictable and unresponsive to his family’s needs. I can remember having to say his name many times before he would answer, sometimes replying in an angry tone that would cause me to tense up. Later in life, I realized this made me view the world as unsafe, myself as unprotected, and the idea that it is up to me to survive.

In my mind, I have had kind of a blank page as to what a healthy, attentive dad was supposed to look like. As a result of the absence of my earthly father, I had made untrue comparisons about the nature of my heavenly father. Since the beginning of my walk as a Christian, it has been a journey for me to unravel these things. Such thoughts needed to be dealt with like- believing he is inconsistent, he won’t provide, he is not reliable, he is not big enough to hold me through the worst things, he can’t always hear me, therefore it is up to me to survive.

As a young adult, I was determined to use all the tools available to me to help me heal and walk in freedom. A year of therapy helped me grieve what was lost, to learn what was normal and what was not and to become more whole, free, playful. Absorbing the words of the Bible helped me apply those truths to my life. Watching good dads with their kids helped me to see how a dad was supposed to be with their children.

When my husband died, along with the devastating sadness came floods of insecurity and feelings of abandonment that were lying under the surface. The protection my husband provided for me was gone. I felt all alone again. Except that I was never alone. This didn’t make sense, but at times, the tangible presence of God would fill me almost like a fire inside or like a peaceful river. I knew so many people were reaching out, holding us in prayer, loving us through this. The familiar scriptures took on fresh meaning to me and they came alive and I read them through tears, desperately clinging to some sort of hope.

Consider some of these words that have been like medicine to my soul:

“When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and throughout the rivers, they will not overwhelm you. When you walk through fire, you will not be scorched, nor will the flame burn you.” Isaiah 43:2

“I waited patiently for the Lord to help me, and he turned to me and heard my cry. He lifted me out of the pit of despair…he set my feet on solid ground and steadied me as I walked along.” Psalm 40:1-2

“For you have not received a spirit of slavery leading to fear of God’s judgment, but you have received the Spirit of adoption by which we joyfully cry “Abba Father”. (Abba is an Aramaic word used by young children when addressing their fathers similar to “daddy”.) Romans 8:15

“Yet in all these things we are more than conquerors and gain an overwhelming victory through him who loved us so much that he died for us. I am convinced beyond any doubt that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor principalities, nor things present and threatening, nor things to come, nor powers nor height nor depth nor any other created thing will be able to separate us from the unlimited love of God, which is in Christ Jesus our Lord.” Romans 37-39

“And I give them eternal life, and they will never, ever perish; and no one will ever snatch them out of My hand.” My Father, who has given them to Me, is greater and mightier than all; and no one is able to snatch them out of the Father’s hand.” John 10:28

When I talk about God pursuing me, this verse describes Jesus, waiting:
“Look! I stand at the door and knock. If anyone hears my voice and opens the door, I will come in and eat with that person, and they with me.” Revelation 3:20

Your waves may not be as intense as the loss of a spouse or a child or other loved one. Whatever they are, I can share from experience that there is a loving father just waiting to hold you, providing his strong presence that will never, ever leave you, saying “I’ve got you.”