standing with hope

By Molly Klima

It’s okay to say no to:

• extra commitments for your kids- they don’t have to do every single thing
• scheduling more than one thing on the same day
• situations that make your kids uncomfortable
• your child’s requests for the latest phone, shoes etc
• social media
• volunteering for every single thing
• activities and equipment that you can’t afford

It’s mid July and August is coming quickly. I sat down the other day to start putting things onto the calendar. It’s already close to full with fall sports, open houses, and school starting. Amazing how the bare minimum of what it takes for our kids to do things they enjoy can quickly consume everything.

We are a busy household, even if we only have 1-2 sports going on. We have ongoing appointments and service at church. When we were in the toddler years we had A LOT going on. It seemed like we couldn’t do much of anything outside of our house. Now we can do most things and it’s hard to turn things down. So just know, that I’m not just preaching to you, the reader, I’m reminding myself of these things. We fall into this trap often.

Before life gets really hectic in August and we go back to being taxi cabs and drive-thru gurus (if you ever had the chance to stop), I want to remind you that it’s okay to say “no.” I need this reminder too.

It’s okay to say “no”.

If you’re anything like us with young kids, you probably spend 4 nights a week driving your kids around to practices and games or dance class or art class or karate class or *insert here* class. It’s exhausting. Most of me doesn’t mind, actually, because I know the value of what my kids are involved in. I love watching them do what they love. The flip side is, we as a society, have created an idol.

Busyness=goodness. False.

The idea that our kids must be involved in at least one activity all the time or we are failing them is a lie. The idea that evenings are best spent on the field rather than around a dinner table are a lie. The idea that our kids must have all the latest tech and new shoes and Starbucks every morning is a lie. It’s all lies. And I think most of us know it. We often hear “kids these days” and “when I was a kid we didn’t need xyz.” Chances are, our kids don’t need it either.

I was relieved when our sons chose not to play baseball this summer. Last fall, a travel team tried to recruit our youngest for this summer. While we were leaving this decision up to him, Kerry and I were relieved when he decided against it. As shocked as I was he didn’t even want to play rec ball this summer, I didn’t push it. His dad didn’t challenge it. We spent 4-5 nights per week away from home last summer. No family dinners. No pause at any point in our day to just look at each other and engage as a family.

I wanted our son to know, it’s okay to say no. You don’t have to take every opportunity you get. As parents, we are allowed to say no. Our son said no to travel baseball and we have told our son’s soccer coach no on more than one occasion. His coach has respected our decisions.

We have to remember that we are setting examples of healthy lifestyles for our kids, not just with food and exercise, but with how we spend our time.

rest

A few years ago we were having a discussion with our boys about the default of going on tablets or TV whenever there was downtime. One of our sons had an idea for, “Screen free Sunday.” Not even realizing what he was doing, he was suggesting a day of Sabbath. This applied to Kerry and I as well-phones down. Sundays quickly became everyone’s favorite day of the week. The boys went back outside and started creating things again. We played games that were collecting dust. We stayed home and nothing was rushed. There was a noticeable difference in everyone’s attitudes. We did this for a couple of years and have recently talked about doing it again.

We can’t expect kids to cut back on screen time if we don’t. We can’t expect them to appreciate, enjoy and seek out time in nature if we don’t. We can’t expect them to have healthy boundaries with friends or peer pressure if we don’t. Yes, as adults, there’s plenty of peer pressure. “Keeping up with the Joneses” is a common phrase for a reason. We can’t expect them to read their Bibles if we don’t. We can’t expect them to serve their communities if we don’t.

God commands us to rest (Exodus 20:8-10). God, after creating the world, took a day of rest. Jesus himself separates from the crowds in scripture (Mark 1:35). How many more times did he go to rest or “unplug” that simply went unrecorded? There’s a reason burn out has become such a trend and topic these days. There’s a reason our kids are experiencing all time high levels of anxiety and depression. (Link at the end). While I certainly agree with data saying social media and increased used of technology contributes to this, I think we have to also acknowledge that we are out of our natural, God-given rhythm for rest.

We have to learn the difference between rest and vegging out.

Our kids get tired. We get tired. Of course I want my kids to use their energy. The older they get the more we follow their lead with how they want to spend their time. Here’s an example, our middle son wanted to apply for safety patrol and then changed his mind. His commitment to soccer is a big one. Safety Patrol would add daily commitments on top of that. He’s hard on himself when it comes to his schoolwork and spends a lot of energy managing himself while at school. It’s enough. There have been instances where we’ve pushed him and it’s worked out in his best interest, but there have also been times where we’ve pushed him and it hasn’t.

think about it, do it

So here’s the challenge, for me as well. Take the time to evaluate what your family does value or what you want them to value most. Does it show up in your daily lives? Do you talk about it? If it keeps getting pushed to the backburner, how can you move it to the forefront? What small changes can you make to decrease the levels of stress and anxiety around your schedules? What intentional act are you taking outside of Sunday morning to help your family follow Jesus? How are you showing your family to love those outside your bubble?

The Atlantic-American Teens Sadness, Depression, Anxiety