standing with hope

By Natalie Tousley

“I’m determined to watch steps and tongue
    so they won’t land me in trouble.
I decided to hold my tongue
    as long as Wicked is in the room.
“Mum’s the word,” I said, and kept quiet.
    But the longer I kept silence
The worse it got—
    my insides got hotter and hotter.
My thoughts boiled over;
    I spilled my guts.
“Tell me, what’s going on, God?
    How long do I have to live?
    Give me the bad news!
You’ve kept me on pretty short rations;
    my life is a string too short to be saved.
Oh! we’re all puffs of air.
    Oh! we’re all shadows in a campfire.
Oh! we’re just spit in the wind.
    We make our pile, and then we leave it.
“What am I doing in the meantime, Lord?
    Hoping, that’s what I’m doing—hoping
You’ll save me from a rebel life,
    save me from the contempt of idiots.
I’ll say no more, I’ll shut my mouth,
    since you, Lord, are behind all this.
    But I can’t take it much longer.
When you put us through the fire
    to purge us from our sin,
    our dearest idols go up in smoke.
Are we also nothing but smoke?
“Ah, God, listen to my prayer, my
    cry—open your ears.
Don’t be callous;
    just look at these tears of mine.
I’m a stranger here. I don’t know my way—
    a migrant like my whole family.
Give me a break, cut me some slack
    before it’s too late and I’m out of here.”

-Psalm 39-The Message

“Amen. Amen.  This is where I am today. 

Another phone call. 

Another closed door.

Another hope down the drain, unheard prayer, brick on my wall, resentment in my soul. 

One step closer to cutting and running. “I can’t do this anymore” spoken one more time, to you, on repeat, forever. My head, heart and spirit are all telling me different things right now and at this moment I am choosing to be hurt and I don’t care. Another hope, wrecked.

Give us a break Lord- cut us some slack. Open your ears- I’m hoping and waiting but it’s getting close to being too much again. My anger is getting too close to being too much. My heart is too close to callous. I AM NOT OKAY. And you are to blame.

But even now, through this misery- still, I hope.

And wait. And cry. And question-

And hope…”

The above was written in the early hours of January 16, 2016 during what was at the time an unending season of hardship. When I write in my journals it is never with the intention of sharing my words with anyone; as a matter of fact, I’ve processed this first post of mine for months and not once did I think that my journal would be a part of it. As I reread them for inspiration, I found they’re fitting. I mean, how can I write to you about standing with hope unless I help you realize that I’ve spent the majority of my life fighting to maintain it?

I am currently 39, married with three children and have only recently, by the grace of God, been freed from suicidal thoughts and ideations. I was eight years old, in third grade, when I first recall contemplating suicide and it is a story that I will share in time but not today. During the 31 years since I have buried two best friends and lost one more in the most dramatic fashion. I’ve cursed God, lost my faith in God, struggled with God and surrendered to God (those last two on repeat for 20 years). There has been unplanned back surgery, severe nerve damage, chronic migraines and diabetic issues. There has been family drama, church drama, the starting and ending of a career in a high-stress field, marriage, kids, a warrant for my arrest, speeding tickets (so many speeding tickets), emotional outbursts (SO MANY emotional outbursts) and an unprecedented global pandemic; and my friends, I am happy to say that I have survived it all. Praise God– and praise God that you have survived your life too. I do not have to know you personally to know that you have lived through some hardships as well. 

That truth is both the best and the worst thing, isn’t it? It is grounding to know that I’m not the only person in the world who has struggled through life, but can I just say that I am sorry if you know what it means to “survive” your life? I’m sorry for the losses you’ve experienced, the thoughts of desperation, the “okay” decisions that helped you cope through something you weren’t prepared for that turned out to be terrible decisions in the light of day. And I’m heart-wrenchingly sorry if you know what it’s like to fight for your life, silently, every day, wondering if ending your turmoil can justify causing more pain to the people you’ll leave behind. I understand it, in my own way, and I’m here to say that no matter what you’re dealing with in any past, present or future state of your life, you are not alone and there is hope.

If history has shown me anything it’s that I love to laugh. I know it seems ironic to be a suicidal, manic depressive who loves humor but truthfully there are a lot of us out there and so my posts will hopefully have an element of humor to them to lighten things up. That being said, I have no funny story to share today so you’re just going to have to trust that not everything I write will be heavy 😉 So I will leave you with this quote from Desmond Tutu (that I literally just googled because inspirational quotes generally annoy me so I avoid them): 

“Hope is being able to see that there is light despite all of the darkness”. 

-Desmond Tutu

It is my desire that no matter what you are walking into, living in or coming out of, Standing With Hope will help you remember that there is light in the darkness and you are not alone.

On March 27, 2016, over two months since the post I shared above I wrote: 

“I am still very much in repair and coasting but signs of life are beginning to show. I cried again today, at church of all places- freaking great, but they were the first tears born out of brokenness and not anger. I was a mess fully on display for all to see and even though I was embarrassed by my weeping, I am glad that it happened. I still feel numb most of the time but for the first time since January I felt God telling me, “I see you and I’m going to start piecing you together now if it’s okay”, and I think that I am finally ready to let him start, but it’s going to be a process.”

As I said earlier, I am no longer struggling through thoughts of self harm and suicide but that does not mean that my life is magically butterflies and roses, though I have noticed a drop in my mood swings and intolerance of things that annoy me.

If anything I have found that being on the other side of a mental health disorder has made me more tolerant of others and more willing to process my opinions before I share them.

-Natalie Tousley

I have also found that when I think back through periods of my life, particularly in my marriage and through my first-borns infancy, I am full of guilt for the things I said and did and so now I am learning how to forgive myself and let go of who I once was. I am in the beginning stages of opening up my past and letting others help me heal and so I preemptively thank you for being a part of that healing; maybe through these posts (mine and others) we can all begin to learn how to withstand whatever storm we find ourselves in and stand together- in hope.