standing with hope

by Molly Klima

Gratitude and grief. Two words that can easily define our lives but create great dynamics when they attempt to co-exist. Oxford Dictionary defines gratitude as “the quality of being thankful; readiness to show appreciation for and to return kindness”. Grief is defined as “deep sorrow, especially that caused by someone’s death”. If I could edit Oxford’s defintion of grief I would change it to “deep sorrow, especially that caused by the loss of someone or something.” Grief is not always a result of losing someone we love. It can also be the loss of job, health, relationships or a season of parenting etc.

So while I know the holidays are supposed to be a joyous time, it can also exacerbate the changes or loss we’ve endured. Grief can loom over like a dark cloud ready to release the rain at anytime. Or maybe grief has spent time keeping you from getting out of bed. Perhaps your memory has been worse than usual because your brain is trying to process the loss and it can’t hold anything new. Or maybe you’ve spent time avoiding the things that you typically enjoyed. You’re not alone. All of the aforementioned are common responses to loss.

My paternal grandmother, Mary Lou, passed away in March at 89 years of age. I hit the jackpot with grandparents, but there are a lot of things that I grew up doing with my grandma that are ingrained in me, like gardening and faith. Before looking up the definition of gratitude I don’t know if I would have thought of it as a quality. It makes sense when you think about it. My grandma lived her life with gratitude and I know she taught me that too. Even as she was writhing in pain in a hospital bed, she’d say thank you every single time a nurse or aide would do something, even as simple as moving her blanket the slightest bit.

The past 8 months have been difficult without her. She wasn’t a grandparent I saw only on holidays or called with big news. She was a part of my daily, mundane life. We visited and went to lunch and to the greenhouse and called and texted each other. She kept a full calendar and was intentional with her friends. She was still mowing her 3 acre yard and driving and up to date on current events. Her life didn’t end in a way we would have predicted or hoped for. She struggled and it was painful. One thing about my grandmother was that she never met a challenge she couldn’t over come. Everyone who knew her was in shock when she was gone.

I know the days and holiday gatherings will be unbearable for some. I also know while grief is powerful, so is gratitude. As the grief is slowly losing grip on my heart and mind, gratitude is gaining it’s strength. It’s always been there but is often times the quieter voice in the room. I tried to make a point of noticing the good things while my grandma’s health was fading. It seemed like such an unreal and unfair situation but I knew God was there. Because He always is. My grandma didn’t just say she believed that, she demonstrated it.

As time has gone on there have been days where instead of being overwhemed with sadness, I am overwhlemed by the life that I get to live. The joy of watching my children grow up. The joy of great connection with my family. The gratitude I have for my husband and the small things he does that make a big difference. I am grateful for inner peace and a clear mind. Thank God the fog has lifted.

But what does it really look like?

My hope is that we would be able to make room for gratitude with our grief. It may take intentional steps. This would not be an attempt to diminish our grief, but an attempt to remind ourselves that there’s space for both. It may have a strange tension to it. Gratitude can help with healing as it helps to refocus. Gratitude helps us to be present. Gratitude often extends our appreciaton on to other people, who can probably use it.

Gratitude,in the midst of grief, is an act of defiance. Gratitude reminds death it does not have the final say.

Gratitude is a part of us. We must be intentional to nurture it. Negativity and comparison may be easier or what we naturally gravitate towards, but gratitude is where joy is found. Gratitude is something that resonates amongst cultures all over the world. Some incorporate this as part of a spiritual practice. I believe this is part of my obedience in following Christ. The Bible has all sorts of references to giving thanks. The list below is in no way exhaustive.

• Colossians 3:15-17 “Let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, since as members of one body you were called to peace. And be thankful. Let the word of Christ dwell in you richly as you teach and admonish one another with all wisdom, and as you sing psalms, hymns and spiritual songs to God. And whatever you do, whether in the word or deed, do it all in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through him.”

• Philippians 4:6-7 “Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.” ( I rely on this verse a lot-any other anxoius folks in the room?)

• 1 Thessalonians 5:16-18 “Be joyful always; pray continually; give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus.”

Make a list if you need to. Write it down or make a note in your phone of a few things and people are you are thankful for. Tell the people on your list why you are thankful for them. Pause to reflect on the times the Lord has provided that peace that surpasses all understanding. Pause to remember that you don’t have to have it together all the time, not even for holidays. If the holidays are difficult or maybe this is your first one without your loved one, do what you can. Don’t feel the burden that you must try to make everything the exact same. Do what you can.

My prayer is that gratitude would continue to grow in our hearts as we learn to navigate a different rhythm of life. That we would remember that we are known and loved unconditionally. Would we remember the promises of peace, to give thanks for all God has done regardless of circumstances and remember that’s not all up to us. We are not in control and and we can trust the one who is.