standing with hope

Hey mama-

You’re alright. You’re going to okay even if you don’t feel okay. You’re not alone. Even if your kid is struggling in ways you never imagined. Even if your child seems to be going down the opposite path than you’ve been guiding them. Or maybe your brain is having a hard time adjusting to the new challenges they face as they grow, because your heart says they’re still your swaddled, tiny baby. If the school has called and you’re shocked by the reports or there’s been a drop in the grades. You’re alright. Feel the ground beneath your feet.

Over the past month, I’ve heard from more and more moms who are overwhelmed by changes going on with their kids. I’ve found myself in the same boat. Sometimes it’s like I’ve fallen off the boat and I need someone to throw me a life preserver. Ever been there? We’re not sure what to do next or if we know what we are doing at all.

In case you forgot, none of us know what we are doing. There’s no guidebook and there never could be because every kid is different and what works for one of your kids may not work for the other. Or your friend’s kids.

You know what else doesn’t exist? A perfect parent. Not one. Never has and never will. No matter how good other parents look on social media or how much they brag about their kids. No matter how perfect their kids seem to be-guess what? Perfect parents don’t exist-so guess what? You’re not alone, we are in this together.

Maybe you’re overwhelmed by all their activities. Maybe it feels like too much to work, to cook, to clean and manage all the schedules. Maybe your kids have high needs and special needs and just trying to meet those needs each day is a full time job in and of itself. Or perhaps you are easily overstimulated with sound and touch and it doesn’t take much to feel like your skin is crawling. Or are you the mom who is a perfectionist and nothing is ever good enough? And even though you know things will go wrong and it’s normal, you are still easily angered or anxious when it does go wrong. Breaking generational trauma is hard and maybe that’s your goal. You want the cycle to end with you and your kids to be free of the same wounds you carry.

Mama-can I encourage you? You are enough. Our kids need us. Not the other social media moms, but us, their moms. They need our love and affection. They need our wisdom. They need our strength and to learn from our weakness.

Our prayers hold them closer than they know. Of all the unseen things we do for our families, prayer may be the greatest.You know what else? God sees us. He hears our prayers. Prayers of gratitude and prayers of desperation. Prayers for answers and prayers of surrender. The prayers that are uttered through tears and prayers from our knees.

Give yourself a break and grace. I know it’s cliche, but we need a minute to breathe. I think everyone can find the time, especially if we put our phones down. In case you need it, I’m going to give you permission to sit down. Or permission to take a walk. Permission to not fold the laundry or do the dishes during nap time. Instead, read a book or dive into God’s word. Call your friend. Encourage someone else. Don’t scroll. Don’t numb yourself with wine. Find small ways to regroup. Be gracious to yourself. We all mess up, everyday. Apologize to your kids when you’ve hurt them and admit your mistakes.

A little shout out to the Trauma mamas- don’t give up. I know there are so many things with our kids that aren’t fair. There’s no way to rewrite their stories or turn back time. Healing and advocacy take years. Don’t give up. The blows you absorb, the tweeks you must make in typical activities, the medicine, the therapy, the dietary differences, the “odd” habits. The meltdowns, the supplements, the beautiful moments, the small victories, the irritability. I see you. I am with you. It is really hard, but it is worth it. We know brains can be wired differently during those early years of life if trauma took place and things don’t always connect the way they would for other kids. Some kids need daily reminders that we can be trusted and our love is unconditional.

I don’t have all the answers and I am not a parenting expert, by any means. That’s why this is for me just as much as it is for you. I mess it up all the time. The thing is, as a believer in Jesus and God’s word-I know I’m not alone. I know we have guidance even if it doesn’t provide step by step instructions of how to navigate YouTube and SnapChat and being called “bruh” or hearing “no cap” thirty times a day. 2 Timothy 3:16-17 reminds us, “All Scripture is inspired by God and is useful to teach us what is true and to make us realize what is wrong in our lives. It corrects us when we are wrong and teaches us to do what is right. God uses it to prepare and equip his people for every good work.” This includes parenting.

Here are some reminders to soak into our weary hearts:

+We can’t do it all and we are not meant to: People like to say, “God doesn’t give us more than we can handle.” False. That’s their paraphrase of 1 Corinthians 10:13, “The temptations in your life are no different from what others experience. And God is faithful. He will not allow the temptation to be more than you can stand. When you are tempted, he will show you a way out so that you can endure.” People love to take this totally out of context. Paul is specifically taking about temptation. Paul also demonstrates how in our weakness, Jesus shows his power (2 Corinthians 12: 8-9). Also, Jesus himself doesn’t do ministry alone. Neither does Paul. We need community and we need each other.

In our ultra-independent culture, we need to remember that it’s okay to depend on someone else and that God is able and desires to meet our every need; including the strength and wisdom to raise the next generation.

+Shame doesn’t work: Shame keeps us chained with lies and in hiding. It doesn’t promote honesty or trust. God’s goodness and kindness does. Shaming our kids or belittling them just makes them feel worse about themselves. Shaming yourself has the same effect. None of this means tough conversations or discipline are not necessary. Those things are absolutely necessary. Shame and discipline are not the same thing. This is just a reminder that shame can be the easy way to go but it will only make things worse. When I think about shaming our kids, I think about sarcasm. It’s not helpful feedback. Sometimes sarcasm is funny and other times it’s the opposite of what they need. We have to know the difference. I think we all know what it’s like to be on the sharp edge of someone’s words after we’ve messed up when what we really needed was reassurance. Proverbs 16:24 “Kind words are like honey-sweet to the soul and healthy for the body.”

Conviction is holy, condemnation is not.

+Kids need connection: One thing I’ve definitely noticed along the way is that connecting with the boys doesn’t just refresh them, it refreshes me too. It doesn’t have to be anything big. It’s running an errand and getting them Prime. Or letting them pick dinner and cooking it together. Or sitting down with them while they are playing video games and letting them talk about the game until their heart’s content. I’ve learned it goes a long way to take interest and learn about the things our sons are into, even if it’s not my cup of tea. I now know more about Batman and Star Wars than I ever thought I would.

Our kids wanting to share their different interests with us is an opportunity, not an inconvenience.

With love and comradery,
Just another mom doing the best she can

P.S. Let me know what other suggestions you have in the comments