by natalie tousley
So yeah, my best friend’s dog died and it triggered emotions that I wasn’t prepared to revisit. The fact that the deaths and timelines were eerily similar was just dumb luck, but the fact that I’m still grieving the loss of one of my closest confidants is grief 101. For those of you who may not understand what I’m talking about I want you to know that I’m not judging your ignorance on the topic but I’m not necessarily celebrating it either because like it or not, if you live long enough you’ll experience a great loss at some point. For those of you who don’t really understand what grief feels like let me explain: grief sucks. And yes, even though time does make it easier to manage eventually, the feeling of loss never really goes away and often hits you when you least expect it. Grief isn’t just sadness, it’s a host of emotions that are tied to your memories and then brought to life through current experiences that hit you like a tidal wave at the most unexpected times. Grief. Is. Lunacy. And it’s why most people feel like they’re “going crazy” when they are trying to process through or move forward from a loss. In my past life, I hosted many support groups that dealt with grief and I could write pages on the topic; but until you lose something that is truly invaluable there is little to nothing you will read that will transfer head knowledge into heart knowledge. Again, I’m not judging ignorance but I’m not celebrating it either.
Now for those of you out there who do understand, who are heading into the holiday season with too many memories of days gone by or too many thoughts of “this is how this day should have been”; well I’m sorry that you lost someone or something you loved– and although you’ve heard this a thousand times and it doesn’t make it any better to hear it again- let me say that:
you’re not alone in your struggle, regardless of how lonely it feels in real-time.
Natalie tousley
According to my journals, being in that art room on that random Monday in November was the absolute best part of my day and I’ll tell you why.
After being blindsided by those students’ paintings and seeing the ridiculous inspirational word art that hit way too close to home, I remember leaving the art room and locking myself in the staff bathroom to cry. I revisited that bathroom multiple times throughout the day. If I let myself focus on those times I wouldn’t have found the will to move on with my week, but what I recall the most from that day was how I pulled myself together before each bell rang to start the next class. I remember how I taught students that day with a smile and purposeful energy that I shouldn’t have had given the circumstances. I remember how I came home and talked to my boys about Trisha and explained to them how the day was hard and how it’s okay to have hard days and miss the people you love. I told them how it’s really okay to talk to God through any emotion that you experience in your life, even if your “talking” to him is screaming and throwing things.
Most of all- how it’s okay to allow God into those extreme emotional spaces to comfort you through them.
natalie tousley
I suffered greatly on the day that Trisha died just as I suffered greatly two and a half months later on her 40th birthday. Just thinking about how we planned to celebrate it and lamenting that it didn’t happen how she wanted. I suffered again around her one year death-aversary when I sat with her parents and held Arbor while we all cried and talked about what we loved and missed most about her and how weird the past year had been. I suffered again on that day at work as I remembered Trisha’s art and how special our friendship was and I suffered again this week when I read about her beloved dog and mourned the fact that she wasn’t the one to tell me. I hate to say it, but I know that my grief over her loss will continue again on some random day, where I least expect it. If there is one thing that I have learned throughout this experience, it is this one Trisha-inspired fluffy word-art take away, it’s that great suffering is only produced where there was great love. I wish that lesson was one I never had to learn but regardless of the grief that continues to visit like a punch to the kidney, I am beyond grateful to know what it feels like to love and to be loved that much in return.
My prayer for anyone out there who resonates with any of these words, no matter the depth, is that you will understand that some grief is never ending. If you are experiencing that type of grief then you are not going crazy, you are not “not trying hard enough” and above all you are not alone in your suffering. My prayer for you is that if you are grieving now or if you sadly have loss in your future, that you will be supernaturally comforted by the One who knows ultimate suffering. And finally, one day, even though it may sound crazy now, you will be able to look back on the thing you’ve lost and see the beauty that came from the suffering (or at the very least be able to recall the beauty apart from the suffering). My prayer for you all, regardless of your grief journey, is that you may hold tight to the truth that you are seen, heard and loved beyond all comprehension even when you’d bet your life that you’re not.
Grief sucks but you are not alone– not then, not now and not ever. So take heart my friends because even though it doesn’t seem possible at the moment: this too shall pass.
-Natalie Tousley
If you missed Part 1 you can click here: Part 1: Arbor and Trisha
standing with hope 
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