standing with hope

By KRistina Jones

I was browsing in a gift shop when the message came to me. A tiny ring plate in the shape of a heart had caught my eye. I’m not sure why. Being newly widowed, I had decided to put my wedding ring away for safekeeping. Before I could stop it, the thing slipped out of my hand and went flying across the floor and cracked in two. Embarrassed and feeling the eyes of others on me, I tried to discreetly pick up the pieces. “Just your local widow here, clumsy and not thinking straight.” I thought. I took the piece to the salesclerk to let them know it had broken. They whispered “It’s  OK. Happens all the time… Would you like to purchase this?” 

Well, not really, I thought. What am I going to do with it? Since the store exists to support the arts for the developmentally disabled, what kind of a jerk would I be if I didn’t. “Sure. I think I can just glue it back together and I’ll barely notice it was broken.”

I walked out of the shop with my broken heart wrapped up in a gift bag, feeling cynical. “What kind of a sick joke is this God?” My raw feelings made me not care about being reverent at that moment. “The new widow breaks her heart in the store. Very funny.” I dislike being the center of attention and my newly widowed status mirrored what happened in that store-it felt like the world was watching with pity and shock as my heart broke into pieces with the loss of my husband. 

I sensed his voice. “I can fix what’s broken too.”

Even this? It’s too big and painful. There’s this familiar verse I thought of “He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds.” Psalm 147:3

Interestingly, there’s no “except for” anywhere in this scripture. These words are not like a coupon you were hoping to use, until you realized you couldn’t because of the exclusions in fine print. 

I added a question to that verse in my mind:

“Even this, the loss of my husband?.” Since God cannot lie and his word is true, this HAS to be included. In my sobbing, my lamenting, my screaming and questioning, I get to choose to believe or not to believe. Will he be faithful to piece my heart back together? I have to believe that he will. No, not the same. Forever marked like a surgical scar or an amputated limb. But alive still, with a beating heart and a purpose.

It’s one thing to believe something, it’s another to experience it. I can watch a weightlifter and see how heavy the weight appears to be. But try lifting it yourself and you’ll definitely experience the burden. I have believed in and trusted Jesus for most of my life, but in this deep valley, I’ve experienced the depths of pain I couldn’t have imagined and at the same time, a rock solid faithfulness, a sense of nearness from God that is tangible. Strong enough to break the fear of unbelief. I’m getting to know the son of suffering who is with me even in that awful gut punch feeling, the deepest grief.

What does God say about suffering?

Romans 5 says “Not only so, but we also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured out into our hearts through the Holy Spirit, who has been given to us.”Romans 5:3-5 NIV

So here’s my answer. In His mysterious way, my suffering leads to hope. Even the most devastating loss-the loss of my husband, the loss of a father to my three boys. I can thank him for who he is, for his promises even if I’m not feeling it, and it’s just a weak whisper through my clenched teeth.

I looked up the name of the artist who created the piece and her name “Nadia” which means “hope”. This revelation came in like a tiny ray of light. The ring plate sits in my kitchen window sill as a daily reminder. God can and will heal what’s broken. Like a broken bone, it won’t ever be what it was, but I’m choosing to believe He will lovingly and gently heal. Even this.